Humans are big chamaleons

What now!?
The magic is lost. What's next?
"No one falls in love by choice, its by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it 's by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE"
Oh well, here I’m…
I fell in love, really in love. But she decided to walk away, I don’t understand any of this, but she should have a good reason. Everything was great, I mean the whole thing was kind of weird (If you ever fell in love for somebody‘s personality you would know what I‘m talking about). I met her online, long story short; the first time we talked, we stayed on the phone for hours, her voice and her incredible personality make me fall right away. Then I met her and my heart dropped the first time I saw her pretty eyes. From that day I committed myself to make her happy, because after all what is love? Work everyday to make happy your significant other, even when sometimes you have to put your happiness on the side, the reward………. She always knew how to make my heart smile. I don’t understand this whole thing, to be honest I don’t understand any, I believe on what she said regardless of how the situation looks like.
Now what I do with all these feelings that I have? when it ended did she feel as lost as me? did she wonder how far we could went? Is she wondering about my feelings as I do about hers?
Last Monday was the last day we talked, and it was one of the longest days of my life, I looked at my phone 20 thousand times to see if in some point she would txt, but I wait and wait and that never happened.
After we talked I started to feel this horrible pain on my chest…. And I know it's not the love that hurts... it's the rejection, heartbreak, loneliness and loss that hurts more than anything! So I went to the doctor (by the way he gave me all kind of crap to forget trazodone, zolof and xanax… like one of those pills would be able to cure my heart, its like a joke how a doctor think that he can be able to cure your heart, just for putting your thoughts to sleep)…. While I was driving I passed by the hotel where she used to stay when she was in town and started to rain in my heart right away. She is leaving… and I don’t know what is worse if leave and miss the people you left behind or stay and keep the memories, places and have to deal with it daily.
We were right for each other but we never work on what we needed to work to make things happen, even when I think on that, I also think that we were fascinated with each other, obsessed with each other, so we never took the time for real life talk….. I always expect an explanation from her of what really happened and how could I get one when she didn’t know what she wanted….. I think in some point she realized that we had different thoughts and different expectations about life and that shake her floor really bad to the point that it was easier to walk away with several excuses instead of try to work on it (I wonder if she thought that she was losing her freedom). There is a lot of things that she didn’t like about me, I mean nobody walk away from a relationship the way that she did for a movie thing or a family thing. And yeah it was some things I didn’t like about her but we didn’t have too much time to spend together so we never really wanted to get into serious talk when it was easy to have just fun and keep going. We had a big issue communicating with each other, now that I see it from outside, she always needed somebody else’s thoughts before she made a decision about our relationship. I’m pretty simple I just want to be happy like everybody else in life and I did picture mine with her, but I guess she still needs some grow to do. Even when I’m not the type of person who plan every step I do have my goals in life…. Come on, I have a little one it couldn’t be any other way. I do a lot of things by impulse but trivial things…. She wanted a lot of things out life as well but her plans I guess are plans in a long term, I will never going to be able to fit on her present.. We was just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. I learned a lot out of this; I’m very stubborn, I never reconsider a NO and I take all the blame on that, every time she mention something that she was upset about it (concerning my personality), I always tried to fix it. But sometimes doesn’t matter what you do is never enough, and I go back to the communication thing and why not but the last 2 weeks before we broke up she not even talked about important stuff anymore. She was confused about things but unfortunally we never talked about it. She treated me better than anybody before, even when she doesn’t feel that way. We laughed until we had to cry we loved right down to our last goodbye but over the years we'll smile and recall that for just one moment we had it all.
I tried to do everything different this time, but even like that it didn’t work…. A friend yesterday said you did everything different that you did on your past relationship because that one didn’t work, but that don’t mean that this one would work because you a dealing with 2 different personalities, 2 different people with different expectations. And she is so right.
She also said, I was ready to give her everything but she wasn’t, because even when the “ex” was still around I had move on from that, I mean I couldn’t control her actions but I did react the best I could to keep her away. But she never got over that (excuse or not), I take 100% of the responsibility on that… I did start everything wrong.
I also think that when you have bad experiences on your past relationships you think that you don’t deserve any better and you drag your pain into your new relationship to keep away this new love.
While I’m writing this blog, I had looked at my phone 100 times already. Such a loser.
Everything happens for a reason....But god didn't give me a reason for the best thing that has ever happened to me to just slip away like it did..
In this past three weeks we hurt each other a lot, out of anger, confusion, miscommunication but I never going to think that was lack of love. I don’t think that somebody can be so kind and sweet without having any feelings involved. There is just something that didn’t work.
I just check in my purse for my lighter and I found a note that she left there while ago, so like I said before I refuse to think that this whole thing has to do with lack of love….
Its funny but I’m really not alone she thinks that she left but I’m still find her smoking a memory with me in my car. this morning I drank a coffee with her absence, then I kissed her neck on her empty space. I also keep singing songs to the air. This is crazy…. We were insane.
She is alone, she stayed with me, she never left with her. We are not where our body is we are where we are missed and she is so missed in here.
A week ago she told me about a song that she likes, Till summer comes around by Keith Urban. The lyrics is something like this….. You had to go, I understand,, But you promised you'd be back again, And so I wonder round this town, Till summer comes around. And I count the days till you just might come back.
It’s a sad song, even more when I know that summer will never come around. All what I have now it’s the hope that she will figure some day what happened and sit with me and finally have an adult talk.
Regardless of weather I am happy or sad, lonely or content. I only think of her.
She may never read this blog, But it feels good to be able to express my feelings on some way.
Now I know it wasn’t me….. I hope one day she falls in love the way that I did for her because I know she was never in love, when you are in love you do whatever it takes to be with the person that you want to be, you don’t just give up. Be in love it’s the best feeling ever when you think that the other person feels the same. I hope one day she find the right person who makes her feel real butterflies in her heart! There is a saying in Spanish….. She will love other people the way that she loved me, but nobody is going to love her the way that I loved her!
I’m grateful of all she did for me. I will always be……. I want to get over this, but for now forget is an attempt that I don’t want so much, because for more that I try I remember much more. And I have come to suspect that in my desire for not remember is what has me sick with memories.
How I wish she were here.
It’s cold outside but I need go for a ride, is not my fault if all of her laughter and all the roses I gave her are coming with me.
There is no greater pain than to have someone you love push you away!