State of mind

You know that place where bottled up emotion meets that glass of wine.....I am so there. ok, but seriously, I have been ignoring several emotions and I think its eating at me and if I don’t get it out somehow I might explode eventually. I feel like the majority of the time I will be alright and actually be a much better person after all this is over. this being the shit storm I call my life right now. I believe in order to move forward I must look backwards and then leave it in the past. I will never get anywhere if I keep hanging on to all of this. so this is my attempt to figure out where and what I want my life to be.

When you first fall in love, its all perfect. that is true. u are unable to see past all the red flags thrown your way early on because 1. you don’t want to be believe it and 2. love is fucking blind as hell. Towards the end- now looking back on the past 2 years, all the signs were there. we were dwindling down to nothing but people who existed together. I was never short on my love however, the wear and tear of the relationship on my heart, mind and body became too much. no more living in this safe environment.
Its weird to think how two people can be so right for each other right off the bat, and allot of "oh I would never be like that" or "I would never do that to you" become daily activities towards the end. its all the things you swore you wouldn’t become, and yet you still do. Lesson learned: If its too good to be true....it probably is. I realize its going to take a very strong person to even attempt to be my other half. As of right now, I am just trying to make myself feel whole again first. This mending and healing crap really takes a toll on your mental state but I think I am doing ok, given the circumstances.
lack of interest in each others interests, at first it seemed like we liked all the same things and enjoyed the majority of the same activities.....but like I said, if it seems too good to be true, it is. Its weird now looking back at how far apart we grew while we were together, something I never noticed until I was forced to look it.

And this whole rollercoaster relationship business......never again. if its over, its over. there’s no sense in going back and trying to make it work a 2nd, 3rd, or 76th time. chances are, if it didn’t work once....it probably wont work again.
Why is it so hard to believe that people can be happy with each other all of their lives? why is it so hard to actually still enjoy the company of a person after several years together? how hard is it to suck up your pride and say how sorry you are once in a while? true love exists. I am witness. I have set my standards, I will not settle for anything short of spectacular. in the words of Bridget Jones "I am still looking for something more extraordinary then that". and its true, don’t settle for less....life is too short to not be happy with the person you chose to take along life’s road. (Hey, all this saved up words of wisdom from other people are really making sense now.)

The dating world scares the crap out of me. I don’t think ill be very good at it, nor am I looking to try. I have decided to put myself first. That's why just close encounters or hit and run.

Everyone has to start over sometime, some sooner then they expected. I think God is looking out for all of our best interests, and I just have to trust him on this one.

This is all so sad, and tears are soon to follow as I read this again. I need to write some of this out and remind myself that I am going to be ok. eventually. I am alone in a city where I don't want to be most of the time and I am scared to stay alone but I’m doing it. but maybe its what I needed. - like true people who start over do- and doing exactly that. starting over.
As sad/mad/angry/confused as I am now......the majority of my relationship was filled with a lot of love and laughter (I am big on laughing). Its going to be hard to get over this. but I will. so I still have a lot of life to live. And as soon as I can take this band-aid off my heart, ill be good to go.

its like what my mom says after I puke and want water (the one thing u SHOULD NOT have right after u puke) and she wont give it to me, when she gives in she says, "baby sips!" when all I want to do is just gulp it down - its just like that.....a little more graphic then I should of said, but nonetheless, the same.....

Hoping I am not alone in my feelings. I suppose most people have similar thoughts at the beginning of a new chapter in their life. Right now, all emotional support comes from my son and friends... And tomorrow is a new day!


Thanks K for helping me, I couldn't write this better than what you just did!